childhood misbehavior and how to handle it

What to do when your child misbehaves?

There are reasons why there is childhood misbehavior. At some point (sooner rather than later) you need to determine just exactly why your child is causing you and her/himself grief.

It might be that you already know that your child needs more attention than you are able to give her. Maybe there is a new baby in the house. There are numerous causes.

And there are ways to determine what your child is trying to get with his childhood misbehavior. You can check that out in the section about causes page not written yet link from childhood misbehavior to home In this section we are concerned about what to do when there is childhood misbehavior. The first thing to do is to determine how serious the infraction is. Pick your battles.

If it is borderline unacceptable, talk to the child about the misbehavior. Tell him/her in concise wording why it is not a good thing.

If it is more than borderline unacceptable, give the child a warning. If the child continues with the unacceptable behavior (the childhood misbehavior), put him immediately in a time-out for as many minutes as the child is old plus one.

What is a time-out? It is a time away from the activity and the group; time to reflect, calm down and /or regroup.

It is not necessary to smack your child or to scream at them or to chastise or belittle or to make your child feel small. There is no good reason to hit your child. The message that a child receives when struck or beaten is that hitting gets you what you want and ‘might’ wins out.

…so years later when your child is too big to spank or slap around, they could conceivably thumb their noses at you or be subdued and meek or follow your example and hit. In all these instances, they are relying on outside controls rather than internal controls and life may be a bigger challenge for these children than necessary.

Many people feel that if you “spare the rod” you “spoil the child” in regard to childhood misbehavior. I understand the thinking behind the idea and I understand that people don’t want children who are out of control. I am just telling you that it isn’t necessary. There are alternative ways that get results, to “discipline” and teach a child.

Children are masters at imitation. So be diligent in doing the things and using the words that you would like your child to do and say.

As your baby grows, if you have established firm limits all along, you won’t have problems that you can’t deal with. If you are reading this and have an older child (anything older than a baby) who has already established patterns of childhood misbehavior and is out of control, you need to take steps right now to rein this child in.

A child under 5 or 6 or even 7 or 8 years ordinarily is still small enough for you to handle physically and emotionally. Right now, call a “meeting” with your child or children and anyone else in the household. Explain to them that things are going to change in your household.

Make a list of Parent Rules and House Rules. You, the parent, make the parent rules. Your children can contribute to the house rules.

Go over the rules. And then explain the consequences. Use logical consequences. You don’t have to spell all of the consequences out to the child, just make it clear that there are consequences for misbehavior. For example if the child throws food on the floor, she will be denied food for that meal. (children don’t starve from missing one or two meals or snacks). If after a warning she tries to take some anyway, she gets “time-out”.

It is ineffectual to beg and plead with your child. If you have laid out an expectation, follow up on it. In other words, don’t ask and ask and ask and then escalate to yelling and exploding. Ask once, give a warning and then expect compliance. If you don’t get compliance, use time-out.

What if your child doesn’t go to the time-out area? Pick her up and put her there.

What if she comes out? Put her back. Don’t start the “time” that she needs to be there until she stays.

Keep at it until your child stays in the time-out area. Do not give in. You are the parent. If your child doesn’t use her controls, you will use them for her until she is able to do it on her own. If you “give in” or “give up”, next time, you will have to start from square one and it will take longer. This I also promise you.

There is no need for emotional involvement although if things have been out of control there will likely be strong emotions present. You may be angry and despairing about how things have gotten so out of control.

When you use time-out, try to remove the strong emotions and just do the job that needs to be done. Put your child in time-out without malice or militaristic motives. You aren’t “putting your child in her place” or “getting even”. You are simply following the dictates of society in that childhoo misbehavior is dealt with and children are not allowed to be bullies or to be violent or smart mouthed, and they need to do what adults dictate for their own safety and welfare. Be matter-of-fact.

You are helping your child learn acceptable behavior and to cope with life. So pick your child up and place firmly in time-out without yelling or slamming her around.

Where is “time-out”? Anywhere you make it-- away from the group where you can keep one eye on your child (without hovering). It can be a rug piece, a step, a particular bench, a chair…wherever you decide. It can change and there can be more than one or two or three places. The concept is what is important.

For a younger child, sometimes it’s good to keep it one place. Once your child knows the routine and complies, you can let the child negotiate where the time out might be (however, this is advanced technique and requires that you recognize manipulation in childhood misbehavior).

Concluding time-out. Tell the child---not from a towering, dominating, intimidating position, but rather from your child’s level—-bend down to the child’s level or sit by her, and ask if she remembers why she got time-out. If she doesn’t, you can have a brief review without preaching or chastising. And then release her.

Why not a release hug and apology after time out? Because your hug and love isn’t dependent on whether the child apologizes. The logical consequence of misbehavior is not the withholding of your love. And your love isn’t the reward for “serving the time”. Your love of your small child is unconditional. Your child seeks your approval so a simple comment of “well done” is okay.

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