separation anxiety in small children
All children (as well as parents!) experience separation anxiety at some point in their early life. Most newborns are agreeable with most people. After awhile (I’m not going to specify a time because children are different in their timing of this developmental step) separation anxiety becomes an issue. In Britain and Canada this period is sometimes referred to as, “making strange”. There are ways to ease the angst of a child who is not ready to let their parents leave them.
Frequently mothers and fathers themselves are anxious leaving their very young babies or toddlers. So one of the first things to be aware of is your own anxiety and fears because this anxiety can easily be passed on to your baby or toddler. Young children take cues from parents, so try to set an example of casualness and security.
Talking to your youngster is crucial to their well being. Even If they don’t completely understand all your words, the TONE of your voice should convey calmness.
Tell your child where you are going, how long you’ll be gone, and some of what you might do.
Explain what they will be doing while you are gone, and who will be with them.
Don’t make outlandish promises that you will come back. Rather just treat it as routine that you will return.
Treat leavings as a transition and leave extra time for the transition to happen smoothly. You can have a little routine that your child can rely on—much like a bedtime routine which might consist of a little cuddle, a “high five”, a hug and/or a kiss.
Separation anxiety is a legitimate concern for your child. In order to work through this stepping stone, you need to handle it in a non-threatening way for your child.
When it’s time to go, make it a distinct, firm leaving—good-bye, a wave and out the door. Don’t allow clinging or temper tantrums. Leave even though your child may cry unless there are extenuating circumstances. If you “give in” you will be reinforcing the same behavior the next time you want to go somewhere. It is a good idea for your child to be familiar with the person they will be staying with. As long as you have a reliable, nurturing care giver to look after your child this person will deal with the anxiety and reassure your child of your return. You might find that as soon as you are out of earshot, the transition will be made.
Do know that every child needs to work through a period of time when they feel as though people will disappear or that they will be annihilated. If your child for some reason has particular trouble with this period of time, you can add a few things to your ‘leaving’ routine to insure their secure feelings. For instance in this day and age of cell phones, you can arrange a time when your child can call you to “check in’ with you and be reassured that you are still somewhere. Or reverse it and you call your child. You can have previously made a practice pretend phone call during play sessions. Invoking the familiar by any means is a way to build a secure feeling in your child.
Alternatively or in addition, you can have an object that your child gets to take care of, hold, and keep while you are away— like your “representative” to ease separation anxiety in your toddler. It could be a watch, a bracelet, some keys, a mini stuffed toy—anything that you and your toddler decide. By leaving something important with your child you also boost his self esteem and sense of responsibility by trusting him with a precious object.
Another tactic would be to draw a picture or write a letter to your child to hold for safekeeping in their pocket.
When the separation has successfully concluded, offer a reward—the reward being that when you return you give your child several minutes exclusively for her. Remind her that you came back. These measures should go a long way toward dissipating separation anxiety.
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